“The essence of trauma is powerlessness.”
This quote from Christian trauma therapist Colleen Ramser grabbed my attention, because I often feel powerless as a caregiver for my husband, Todd, who is paralyzed by ALS.
We’ve been having a rough week. Todd’s shower aide called in sick a week ago. The home health provider had already cut us down to one shower a week because of staffing issues, so if I didn’t pick up the slack, Todd would go two weeks without a thorough scrubbing. His nightly bed baths aren’t enough to keep him from getting itchy. To help, I set up his portable tub on the bathroom floor, filled it with water, and lowered him into it with his overhead lift. I scrubbed him the best I could, but I have physical limitations, which is why we need the shower aide to begin with.
The next day, I got sick with a fever. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep, but Todd still needed care. I had to keep at it, hoping he wouldn’t catch my bug.
At times like that, I feel I lack agency because I can’t call in and take a sick day.
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How we try to get by
I’m on Day 5 of this bug, and I’m still in rough shape. After making Todd breakfast and helping him in the bathroom, I gave him his medications through his feeding tube and cleaned the stoma, the hole in his abdomen for the tube. The stoma was red and irritated, and it bled more than normal. Todd complained that it hurt and that his skin was itchy and uncomfortable, especially on his head and face.
“Didn’t the bath help?” I asked.
“Yes, but you didn’t scrub that much,” he replied. “After I soaked in the water, all that stuff stayed on me, and my head and face didn’t get washed that well.”
I felt bad that he didn’t get adequately bathed, and I’m frustrated that our local home health agencies are short-staffed. I cried, feeling powerless and unappreciated.
I went to my room to lie down, and after a while I received a text from Todd apologizing and telling me that he loves me.
Todd is also powerless. He’s completely dependent on me and other caregivers. He doesn’t like to be a burden, especially when I’m sick. Over the past week, he’s tried to tough it out so I can rest, putting up with aching bones, joints, and an uncomfortable mask for his noninvasive ventilator. He’s also been even more bored than normal, as we’ve been trying to keep him isolated in his office except for when I absolutely need to help him.
It’s hard on Todd and it’s hard on me. I can’t provide all the care he needs.
We need a change to the healthcare system in the United States. People with ALS in many other countries can get much more support than the few hours a week that many of us in the Medicare system are able to access. With all the money our country spends on so many things, why does it not provide more support for people who are paralyzed?
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